Paper Towns

Over the summer, Connor and I exchanged books. Me being the asshole that I am, started ignoring him shortly after, thus putting us both in extremely awkward situations: having each others books. I didn't read them because I'm stubborn and they reminded me of him a lot. In a fit of insanity on the weekend, I started reading one of them.

It's called Paper Towns by John Greene. I sort of see why he liked it so much. He related to the main character in a sense (and I don't want to sound cocky). I felt conflicted when I realized the resemblance our general selves hold to the characters Margo and Quentin.


Curiosity won out and I read it.

It's really good.

Misery

I have been struggling a lot lately. Mostly with my family... My stepmom in particular. It started in around June when she started acting unpleasant towards me and my stepsister. I've been getting anxiety attacks and I didn't know why.

It all started with my stepmom making being here unpleasant.

I've spent so many hours crying because of her. I can't live with a member of my family hating me, even if it's someone who isn't related by blood.

It's the hardest thing for a child to dislike their parents' partner. You don't want to break their heart, but at the same time you're miserable. You're torn between hurting them and living in misery.

And you pick misery because you can't bear the thought of hurting one of the people you love.

Dear Ashley,

I found our old grade 9 science project. You know the one with Sabrina and George? We did it on the “Australopithicous Anamensis”. We had a lot of fun doing that project, didn't we? I miss you so much. You have no idea. Words seem to fail me every time I try writing this. And I saw that stupid project and they all came to me.

You'll never see this, I know that. You don't care anymore. I also know that. That doesn't stop me from thinking about you. Or starting to text you and deleting it seconds later. Or crying my eyes out because I wish I still had you in my life. Maybe if you were still here, things would be easier. I wouldn't have to face them alone.

It used to be me, you and Jesska against the world. No matter what, we overcame it. We were ALWAYS there for each other... So what happened? I refuse to accept that we grew apart because it is not true. We grew together through high school and put up with all the bullshit TOGETHER. But how could you just stop caring? How could a person so deeply rooted into my life just...disappear?

I wish I had the guts to show this to you. I wish you could feel the pain I feel. See my tears. Hear my sobs. Maybe then you'd understand.

I regret a lot. I wonder almost every day...had I tried harder to make things work, would we still be friends? Every bone in my body wishes the answer was yes. I feel like our friendship is no longer salvageable. I have lost all the fight in me... I just can't anymore. Maybe if you were to try...then that would be something. But no part of me has the will or the strength anymore to be rejected by you. I did that for 3 months. I guess I'm done.

Your former best friend,

Mander.

Rape.

The uncontrollable sobs wracked my body as I remembered the details of that night; the night I'll never forget and it is in this moment that I realized I am not okay. My fingers shake and tears leak from my eyes as I write this. I've been trying so hard to be okay. For my friends, for my family. I was doing such a good job that I convinced myself that I was.

But I'm not. I don't know if I will be. These past few days I've been laughing and joking and having regular conversations with my friends. I started doing that when nobody knew how to talk to me. Nobody understood what happened to me...so they couldn't help me. They couldn't talk to me. They didn't know what to say. So I stopped talking about it. I pretended everything was okay, when it's not.

I did something incredibly stupid, and I will regret it for the rest of my life. I blame myself for what happened... I will not pity myself, because I am to blame for what happened. I'm not writing this to BE pitied either, I'm writing it because I need to. I haven't felt the need to write in a very long time, and as I stepped out of the shower and basically fell apart, I needed to write.

I needed to "cleanse" myself, so to speak. I don't know how I'm going to be for now... I don't know how I'm going to survive. I don't know how I'm going to look at myself in the mirror everyday and not feel disgust. Anger. Hatred.

I don't know how I will go on.

Friendship and other things...

So I've had this small gang of incredibly close friends since the first day of grade 7, one of these friends being Ashley. Ashley and I have been especially close, considering we still go to the same school whereas everyone else is elsewhere. About a month ago, Ashley's boyfriend left for army training. Ashley and her boyfriend were quite inseparable. Obviously, I tried talking to her but she wouldn't have any of it.

Now it's 3 weeks in a row that she blows me off for lunch. I can't help but wonder what I did wrong... I was nothing but supportive and I made it very clear that she had a friend in me so she could talk to me if she needed it. I feel so... betrayed. How could she throw away 5 years of friendship like that? Doesn't she care...

Connor. Oh Connor. He's still in love with me and I had no idea how to deal with it. I probably could have dealt with the situation with a bit more finesse, but I digress.

Last friday was the talent show at our old high school. Having done the show every year in high school, I made several friends younger than me. I went to support them and Connor went because he's a follower and goes everywhere I go that he thinks he can get away with.

Originally I had planned on chatting with him a bit and then going on my merry way. Well, that's not how it went. I saw him and chickened out. It was bad. He saw me duck behind a particularly tall person and started harassing me with BBMs. Now here's the thing; we had had a fight and I really didn't feel like seeing his lying asshole face.

He stared at me until the show started, so much my good friend Mel's boyfriend Kevin whom I'd just met was ready to go kick his ass; he was being that creepy. After intermission, Mel&I made the mistake of going in through the wrong door - the one Connor was sitting near. He tried saying hi but I ran. My phone died, but I knew he was texting me.

After the show, he planted his ass next to the exit. Being very good with the mapping of the school, I tried another exit. He followed me and ran after me after I said I couldn't talk to him.

I got home and plugged in my phone to about 30 or so messages from him. He called me a hurtful bitch. I decided to terminate the friendship. It's for the best.

I made sure my new (and very good) friend Dillon checked his blog though, to make sure he wasn't suicidal. Cause here's the thing... After I said goodbye forever, Connor kept texting me. He even said he'd kill himself. Then he said "wow, that's low. I said I'd kill myself and you didn't give a shit."

That's when I first realized he has been manipulating me. I have a real soft spot for people that need help.. And he knows it.

Peace&Love

I can't seem to bring myself to smile anymore. I know this is stupid, but I make "friends" through tumblr and then they end up ignoring me and unfollowing me. I told you everything, what did I do wrong? I know I'm fucked up, but you said you cared. You said you loved me. You said you'd be there for me. Was it all just lies?
For some reason I feel like I'll never be enough. Nothing I can ever do will please the ones I care about. I'm a failure.

Peace&Love

P.S. Crazy Lady, I read your blog. I check it everyday, and thank you. That meant a lot.

Broken

I started talking to Connor again. That was such a mistake. He's clearly not over me... I tried being a friend. I tried... so hard to ignore the warning signs my heart was giving me. I was doing it for him. I was trying to be better.
I hate myself.
I hurt him and I shouldn't have. I should never have gotten involved with him in the first place.
I cut myself 13 days ago. I've never done something like that before, but I've never felt so broken in my life. I've never felt so unloved. It's an awful feeling.. I hate it so much. I don't want to do it again, but sometimes I look at it there on my dresser and I want to. I've come close too many times. I can't do it again. I can't. I can't let myself be broken. I have to be strong.
How can I be strong when no one loves me? When no one will be there to catch me when I fall?
Patrick wanted to hang out yesterday at school, but I didn't want to go in cause I hurt my knee and it hurt to walk. I went anyways cause it was Patrick... and he stood me up. I don't think I've cried that much ...ever. I almost cut yesterday. But I didn't. I came so close...
I feel like I need to save myself from..me. But I don't know how...

Peace&Love

Patrick.

I'm not going to lie, I've been keeping up to date with Patrick's blog. I care about him a lot so it's been hard to write this post, up until now. I've written it numerous times, and erased the whole thing every single time.

To be honest, I've more or less refused to talk about what happened between the 2 of us. No matter who asked, it was just hard to talk about. Some people forced me, so I told them, but for the most part, I just didn't talk about it. As you know, I've started a vlog and yesterday was the first time I said the words out loud. I cried after I made that video. I actually cried the first few times I made it, so I had to remake it.

Patrick and I have been best friends for a while. I love that boy with all my heart. I don't think he ever understood that. This summer was the first time we went more than a week without talking. We had a big fight and I then went on vacation for 5 weeks. We probably spoke twice the whole time. And then we stopped being friends because he decided to push me away and be the biggest asshole ever. He did it on purpose to make me leave. I still to this day don't understand why.

He deleted me off of everything, and that hurt, more than he'll ever know. About a month later, we talked. It wasn't easy, but we slowly went back to being Patrick and Manda. We were stronger than ever. It was amazing.

Then.. he started slowly going back to the boy I first met when we were 13. That boy was very mean. He was mean. He was being a jerk, and I put up with it cause I loved him and he's my best friend. But there is only so much I can take. It started taking it's toll, and I put up with it far longer than I would have if he were someone else. He knew he was hurting me, but he never knew how much. I never showed it. How much it hurt...

Two weeks ago, he was a tad tipsy and he spoke to me on MSN. He said he was in love with me, that I was the girl for him. It was all a lie. A joke. He was toying with me, like he would do to some random acquaintance he barely knew. Me. His best friend. I snapped. I told him I can't be friends with him anymore.

Patrick is the guy that stuck by me through it all. Every boyfriend. Every tragedy. He got past my walls and made me stronger. He even made me realize that I should take down these walls. And.. I did. And he left. Or, I made him leave. Whichever, he didn't fight for me and that hurt.

Not a day has passed that I didn't regret it. That I didn't think of him. Every single little thing reminds me of him... 

So as I sit at my computer in tears, I bid you farewell my love. I will always love you. I want you to know that. I know you'll grow up to do greats things.

Peace&Love

Hi

This is my vlog channel.

I've started to do an online video diary.. I'm still going to write here but if you want day to day updates, you should watch those.

Merry Fucking Christmas

My cousin Joey is in his early 30s. Every since I was a little girl, he was a real jerk to me. He called me fat, stupid, he’d yell at me, call me names, anything he could do to make me feel like I was nothing. When I was younger, I’d let it pass. I was a kid and he’s a lot older than me so I was scared. 

About 5 or 6 years ago, I started fighting back. He picked on my brother too, but it was nowhere near as bad as it was with me. My mom tried talking to him and telling him to back off, which he never did. Eventually she just told us to steer clear of the guy.

So we did.

Last night, I had a scary migraine. One of the ones where I was afraid to close my eyes, fearing I’d never wake up again. Joey has a really loud voice, so I politely asked him to lower it because I had a migraine. He said, “Fuck you, I’ll do what I want WHEN I want.” Instead of arguing with the guy, I SKIPPED DINNER and went upstairs to lie down in the dark. I missed christmas dinner because of that asshole. And that’s not even the worst part. 

Later I was feeling a tad better, but not 100%. I was playing a board game with everyone and Joey joined. I stayed. He was reading our the question (quietly) so I asked him to speak up a little and he started bitching me out. He flipped his shit and yelled and decided he hated me and was sick of me. What did I do? NOTHING. I did fucking NOTHING and he started flipping his shit. And people DEFENDED him. I walked away in tears, figuring everyone would drop it and I wouldn’t ruin everyones christmas. It didn’t stop there.

Everyone ganged up against me and defended Joey. 

I hate him. I hate how mean he is to everyone and I hate how everyone makes excuses for him and defends him. I cried for over an hour. Wracking sobs. 

I ruined everyones christmas.

And I feel awful about it.

Hi.

So. Best friends. Patrick and I were that. We even promised to grow old together (but not as a couple, just besties.) Yet, for some reason, you can't seem to tolerate my existence these days. It sucks. It really does. I used to count on Patrick. A lot. I kind of still do, but I don't let it show. I don't let him see how much his opinion really matters to me, but I know he can tell. He's not an idiot and you don't need to be a rocket scientist to figure it out.

So, I went out for dinner with my friends today (the gang of people I've been besties with since the 7th grade). We had a lot of fun, and when I got home I was on the cloud 9 of happiness, and incredibly hyper. Like my old, more innocent self. I liked it. Patrick ruined it. I cried. Yadda, yadda.

So, as usual, I turned to strangers on the internet to comfort myself and I confided in them -- since my best friend was no longer available. Travis told me his story with his best friend. It's a similar situation, and I feel a bit better. We talked a lot. It was nice. To get it out. To someone who understands the situation..

I'm going to wait it out, and hope he talks to me.

I'm so scared that he won't...

Peace&Love

Gawd.

People take everything I say to heart. It's like MAYBE, just maybe, I want to write and rage about how I feel WITHOUT ANY REPERCUSSIONS.

I blocked Connor off my tumblr account. We had a lot of drama and we just had to break up. He was way too attached and I was the exact opposite. I rebounded him after Steven, which was wrong, and I tried letting him down easily. But it didn't work. He was an ass in the end, and ignored everything I said. Apparently he didn't learn that NO means no.

He figured out how to check my tumblr. Which he's being doing. A lot apparently. I found out today, and it made me made. Because you know what? I want to be able to write things without him getting mad or hurt or just KNOWING THAT'S HOW I FEEL. So, I changed my URL. But the damage was done.

My privacy feels invaded. I texted him to tell him to give me a little privacy and what did he do? He deleted me off of everything except Facebook. (I'm talking tumblr, twitter, bbm, phone number, Skype)

I feel bad. But I don't. Urg.

Peace&Love

Broken Hearted

Steven has a new girlfriend. I know I said this is how I wanted it to be but... It hurts. Last week I saw him. He took me to my dance class. We kissed. A lot. It felt good. It felt ...right. Like that's how it's supposed to be. He said he loved me, that he always has and always will. I got scared.. I ran. Literally. I barely spoke to him after, scared of how much I actually cared about him.

I logged onto my Facebook this morning and the top story? "Steven went from being 'single' to 'in a relationship'". That's what I saw. My heart shattered. It fell out my chest, fell to the ground and shattered. I know it's not fair of me to be hurt or feel betrayed because we never ...had anything. Not after we broke up. But it hurt... I feel like I meant nothing to him.

She's beautiful. God, she's gorgeous. I was talking to Davide last night and he asked how I was coping with Steven having a new girlfriend... I don't know, it didn't really hit me. I said I wasn't sure if he did or not, I mean I obviously had my doubts. But, you know. I guess my mind was in denial...

All I want to do is cry.

I feel broken.

Peace&Love

New blog

This is my new blog. I started blogging originally because I have trouble expressing myself, so I figure "Yeah, I'll start a blog." I first started having trouble with my blog the summer of 2010, which my boyfriend at the time. He got mad that I wrote about him, like our fights. What else was I supposed to do? I obviously didn't stop. I don't stop doing the things I love because people tell me to.

I've unfortunately begun to encounter more troubles. I've had crazy boy drama since september, and the boys themselves had the links. I tried posting what I wanted but.. it just wasn't the same. I couldn't do it. I couldn't write what I wanted without getting a slue of texts asking me "what the hell am I talking about". I don't want to have to justify myself. What I write is what I chose. Nobody should tell me what I can and can't write about.

So here I am. With a brand new blog. If you're interested in the old one, here is the link.

Peace&Love