Rape.

The uncontrollable sobs wracked my body as I remembered the details of that night; the night I'll never forget and it is in this moment that I realized I am not okay. My fingers shake and tears leak from my eyes as I write this. I've been trying so hard to be okay. For my friends, for my family. I was doing such a good job that I convinced myself that I was.

But I'm not. I don't know if I will be. These past few days I've been laughing and joking and having regular conversations with my friends. I started doing that when nobody knew how to talk to me. Nobody understood what happened to me...so they couldn't help me. They couldn't talk to me. They didn't know what to say. So I stopped talking about it. I pretended everything was okay, when it's not.

I did something incredibly stupid, and I will regret it for the rest of my life. I blame myself for what happened... I will not pity myself, because I am to blame for what happened. I'm not writing this to BE pitied either, I'm writing it because I need to. I haven't felt the need to write in a very long time, and as I stepped out of the shower and basically fell apart, I needed to write.

I needed to "cleanse" myself, so to speak. I don't know how I'm going to be for now... I don't know how I'm going to survive. I don't know how I'm going to look at myself in the mirror everyday and not feel disgust. Anger. Hatred.

I don't know how I will go on.