Friendship and other things...

So I've had this small gang of incredibly close friends since the first day of grade 7, one of these friends being Ashley. Ashley and I have been especially close, considering we still go to the same school whereas everyone else is elsewhere. About a month ago, Ashley's boyfriend left for army training. Ashley and her boyfriend were quite inseparable. Obviously, I tried talking to her but she wouldn't have any of it.

Now it's 3 weeks in a row that she blows me off for lunch. I can't help but wonder what I did wrong... I was nothing but supportive and I made it very clear that she had a friend in me so she could talk to me if she needed it. I feel so... betrayed. How could she throw away 5 years of friendship like that? Doesn't she care...

Connor. Oh Connor. He's still in love with me and I had no idea how to deal with it. I probably could have dealt with the situation with a bit more finesse, but I digress.

Last friday was the talent show at our old high school. Having done the show every year in high school, I made several friends younger than me. I went to support them and Connor went because he's a follower and goes everywhere I go that he thinks he can get away with.

Originally I had planned on chatting with him a bit and then going on my merry way. Well, that's not how it went. I saw him and chickened out. It was bad. He saw me duck behind a particularly tall person and started harassing me with BBMs. Now here's the thing; we had had a fight and I really didn't feel like seeing his lying asshole face.

He stared at me until the show started, so much my good friend Mel's boyfriend Kevin whom I'd just met was ready to go kick his ass; he was being that creepy. After intermission, Mel&I made the mistake of going in through the wrong door - the one Connor was sitting near. He tried saying hi but I ran. My phone died, but I knew he was texting me.

After the show, he planted his ass next to the exit. Being very good with the mapping of the school, I tried another exit. He followed me and ran after me after I said I couldn't talk to him.

I got home and plugged in my phone to about 30 or so messages from him. He called me a hurtful bitch. I decided to terminate the friendship. It's for the best.

I made sure my new (and very good) friend Dillon checked his blog though, to make sure he wasn't suicidal. Cause here's the thing... After I said goodbye forever, Connor kept texting me. He even said he'd kill himself. Then he said "wow, that's low. I said I'd kill myself and you didn't give a shit."

That's when I first realized he has been manipulating me. I have a real soft spot for people that need help.. And he knows it.

Peace&Love

I can't seem to bring myself to smile anymore. I know this is stupid, but I make "friends" through tumblr and then they end up ignoring me and unfollowing me. I told you everything, what did I do wrong? I know I'm fucked up, but you said you cared. You said you loved me. You said you'd be there for me. Was it all just lies?
For some reason I feel like I'll never be enough. Nothing I can ever do will please the ones I care about. I'm a failure.

Peace&Love

P.S. Crazy Lady, I read your blog. I check it everyday, and thank you. That meant a lot.

Broken

I started talking to Connor again. That was such a mistake. He's clearly not over me... I tried being a friend. I tried... so hard to ignore the warning signs my heart was giving me. I was doing it for him. I was trying to be better.
I hate myself.
I hurt him and I shouldn't have. I should never have gotten involved with him in the first place.
I cut myself 13 days ago. I've never done something like that before, but I've never felt so broken in my life. I've never felt so unloved. It's an awful feeling.. I hate it so much. I don't want to do it again, but sometimes I look at it there on my dresser and I want to. I've come close too many times. I can't do it again. I can't. I can't let myself be broken. I have to be strong.
How can I be strong when no one loves me? When no one will be there to catch me when I fall?
Patrick wanted to hang out yesterday at school, but I didn't want to go in cause I hurt my knee and it hurt to walk. I went anyways cause it was Patrick... and he stood me up. I don't think I've cried that much ...ever. I almost cut yesterday. But I didn't. I came so close...
I feel like I need to save myself from..me. But I don't know how...

Peace&Love

Patrick.

I'm not going to lie, I've been keeping up to date with Patrick's blog. I care about him a lot so it's been hard to write this post, up until now. I've written it numerous times, and erased the whole thing every single time.

To be honest, I've more or less refused to talk about what happened between the 2 of us. No matter who asked, it was just hard to talk about. Some people forced me, so I told them, but for the most part, I just didn't talk about it. As you know, I've started a vlog and yesterday was the first time I said the words out loud. I cried after I made that video. I actually cried the first few times I made it, so I had to remake it.

Patrick and I have been best friends for a while. I love that boy with all my heart. I don't think he ever understood that. This summer was the first time we went more than a week without talking. We had a big fight and I then went on vacation for 5 weeks. We probably spoke twice the whole time. And then we stopped being friends because he decided to push me away and be the biggest asshole ever. He did it on purpose to make me leave. I still to this day don't understand why.

He deleted me off of everything, and that hurt, more than he'll ever know. About a month later, we talked. It wasn't easy, but we slowly went back to being Patrick and Manda. We were stronger than ever. It was amazing.

Then.. he started slowly going back to the boy I first met when we were 13. That boy was very mean. He was mean. He was being a jerk, and I put up with it cause I loved him and he's my best friend. But there is only so much I can take. It started taking it's toll, and I put up with it far longer than I would have if he were someone else. He knew he was hurting me, but he never knew how much. I never showed it. How much it hurt...

Two weeks ago, he was a tad tipsy and he spoke to me on MSN. He said he was in love with me, that I was the girl for him. It was all a lie. A joke. He was toying with me, like he would do to some random acquaintance he barely knew. Me. His best friend. I snapped. I told him I can't be friends with him anymore.

Patrick is the guy that stuck by me through it all. Every boyfriend. Every tragedy. He got past my walls and made me stronger. He even made me realize that I should take down these walls. And.. I did. And he left. Or, I made him leave. Whichever, he didn't fight for me and that hurt.

Not a day has passed that I didn't regret it. That I didn't think of him. Every single little thing reminds me of him... 

So as I sit at my computer in tears, I bid you farewell my love. I will always love you. I want you to know that. I know you'll grow up to do greats things.

Peace&Love

Hi

This is my vlog channel.

I've started to do an online video diary.. I'm still going to write here but if you want day to day updates, you should watch those.

Merry Fucking Christmas

My cousin Joey is in his early 30s. Every since I was a little girl, he was a real jerk to me. He called me fat, stupid, he’d yell at me, call me names, anything he could do to make me feel like I was nothing. When I was younger, I’d let it pass. I was a kid and he’s a lot older than me so I was scared. 

About 5 or 6 years ago, I started fighting back. He picked on my brother too, but it was nowhere near as bad as it was with me. My mom tried talking to him and telling him to back off, which he never did. Eventually she just told us to steer clear of the guy.

So we did.

Last night, I had a scary migraine. One of the ones where I was afraid to close my eyes, fearing I’d never wake up again. Joey has a really loud voice, so I politely asked him to lower it because I had a migraine. He said, “Fuck you, I’ll do what I want WHEN I want.” Instead of arguing with the guy, I SKIPPED DINNER and went upstairs to lie down in the dark. I missed christmas dinner because of that asshole. And that’s not even the worst part. 

Later I was feeling a tad better, but not 100%. I was playing a board game with everyone and Joey joined. I stayed. He was reading our the question (quietly) so I asked him to speak up a little and he started bitching me out. He flipped his shit and yelled and decided he hated me and was sick of me. What did I do? NOTHING. I did fucking NOTHING and he started flipping his shit. And people DEFENDED him. I walked away in tears, figuring everyone would drop it and I wouldn’t ruin everyones christmas. It didn’t stop there.

Everyone ganged up against me and defended Joey. 

I hate him. I hate how mean he is to everyone and I hate how everyone makes excuses for him and defends him. I cried for over an hour. Wracking sobs. 

I ruined everyones christmas.

And I feel awful about it.

Hi.

So. Best friends. Patrick and I were that. We even promised to grow old together (but not as a couple, just besties.) Yet, for some reason, you can't seem to tolerate my existence these days. It sucks. It really does. I used to count on Patrick. A lot. I kind of still do, but I don't let it show. I don't let him see how much his opinion really matters to me, but I know he can tell. He's not an idiot and you don't need to be a rocket scientist to figure it out.

So, I went out for dinner with my friends today (the gang of people I've been besties with since the 7th grade). We had a lot of fun, and when I got home I was on the cloud 9 of happiness, and incredibly hyper. Like my old, more innocent self. I liked it. Patrick ruined it. I cried. Yadda, yadda.

So, as usual, I turned to strangers on the internet to comfort myself and I confided in them -- since my best friend was no longer available. Travis told me his story with his best friend. It's a similar situation, and I feel a bit better. We talked a lot. It was nice. To get it out. To someone who understands the situation..

I'm going to wait it out, and hope he talks to me.

I'm so scared that he won't...

Peace&Love