Dear Ashley,

I found our old grade 9 science project. You know the one with Sabrina and George? We did it on the “Australopithicous Anamensis”. We had a lot of fun doing that project, didn't we? I miss you so much. You have no idea. Words seem to fail me every time I try writing this. And I saw that stupid project and they all came to me.

You'll never see this, I know that. You don't care anymore. I also know that. That doesn't stop me from thinking about you. Or starting to text you and deleting it seconds later. Or crying my eyes out because I wish I still had you in my life. Maybe if you were still here, things would be easier. I wouldn't have to face them alone.

It used to be me, you and Jesska against the world. No matter what, we overcame it. We were ALWAYS there for each other... So what happened? I refuse to accept that we grew apart because it is not true. We grew together through high school and put up with all the bullshit TOGETHER. But how could you just stop caring? How could a person so deeply rooted into my life just...disappear?

I wish I had the guts to show this to you. I wish you could feel the pain I feel. See my tears. Hear my sobs. Maybe then you'd understand.

I regret a lot. I wonder almost every day...had I tried harder to make things work, would we still be friends? Every bone in my body wishes the answer was yes. I feel like our friendship is no longer salvageable. I have lost all the fight in me... I just can't anymore. Maybe if you were to try...then that would be something. But no part of me has the will or the strength anymore to be rejected by you. I did that for 3 months. I guess I'm done.

Your former best friend,

Mander.

Rape.

The uncontrollable sobs wracked my body as I remembered the details of that night; the night I'll never forget and it is in this moment that I realized I am not okay. My fingers shake and tears leak from my eyes as I write this. I've been trying so hard to be okay. For my friends, for my family. I was doing such a good job that I convinced myself that I was.

But I'm not. I don't know if I will be. These past few days I've been laughing and joking and having regular conversations with my friends. I started doing that when nobody knew how to talk to me. Nobody understood what happened to me...so they couldn't help me. They couldn't talk to me. They didn't know what to say. So I stopped talking about it. I pretended everything was okay, when it's not.

I did something incredibly stupid, and I will regret it for the rest of my life. I blame myself for what happened... I will not pity myself, because I am to blame for what happened. I'm not writing this to BE pitied either, I'm writing it because I need to. I haven't felt the need to write in a very long time, and as I stepped out of the shower and basically fell apart, I needed to write.

I needed to "cleanse" myself, so to speak. I don't know how I'm going to be for now... I don't know how I'm going to survive. I don't know how I'm going to look at myself in the mirror everyday and not feel disgust. Anger. Hatred.

I don't know how I will go on.