Broken

I started talking to Connor again. That was such a mistake. He's clearly not over me... I tried being a friend. I tried... so hard to ignore the warning signs my heart was giving me. I was doing it for him. I was trying to be better.
I hate myself.
I hurt him and I shouldn't have. I should never have gotten involved with him in the first place.
I cut myself 13 days ago. I've never done something like that before, but I've never felt so broken in my life. I've never felt so unloved. It's an awful feeling.. I hate it so much. I don't want to do it again, but sometimes I look at it there on my dresser and I want to. I've come close too many times. I can't do it again. I can't. I can't let myself be broken. I have to be strong.
How can I be strong when no one loves me? When no one will be there to catch me when I fall?
Patrick wanted to hang out yesterday at school, but I didn't want to go in cause I hurt my knee and it hurt to walk. I went anyways cause it was Patrick... and he stood me up. I don't think I've cried that much ...ever. I almost cut yesterday. But I didn't. I came so close...
I feel like I need to save myself from..me. But I don't know how...

Peace&Love

Patrick.

I'm not going to lie, I've been keeping up to date with Patrick's blog. I care about him a lot so it's been hard to write this post, up until now. I've written it numerous times, and erased the whole thing every single time.

To be honest, I've more or less refused to talk about what happened between the 2 of us. No matter who asked, it was just hard to talk about. Some people forced me, so I told them, but for the most part, I just didn't talk about it. As you know, I've started a vlog and yesterday was the first time I said the words out loud. I cried after I made that video. I actually cried the first few times I made it, so I had to remake it.

Patrick and I have been best friends for a while. I love that boy with all my heart. I don't think he ever understood that. This summer was the first time we went more than a week without talking. We had a big fight and I then went on vacation for 5 weeks. We probably spoke twice the whole time. And then we stopped being friends because he decided to push me away and be the biggest asshole ever. He did it on purpose to make me leave. I still to this day don't understand why.

He deleted me off of everything, and that hurt, more than he'll ever know. About a month later, we talked. It wasn't easy, but we slowly went back to being Patrick and Manda. We were stronger than ever. It was amazing.

Then.. he started slowly going back to the boy I first met when we were 13. That boy was very mean. He was mean. He was being a jerk, and I put up with it cause I loved him and he's my best friend. But there is only so much I can take. It started taking it's toll, and I put up with it far longer than I would have if he were someone else. He knew he was hurting me, but he never knew how much. I never showed it. How much it hurt...

Two weeks ago, he was a tad tipsy and he spoke to me on MSN. He said he was in love with me, that I was the girl for him. It was all a lie. A joke. He was toying with me, like he would do to some random acquaintance he barely knew. Me. His best friend. I snapped. I told him I can't be friends with him anymore.

Patrick is the guy that stuck by me through it all. Every boyfriend. Every tragedy. He got past my walls and made me stronger. He even made me realize that I should take down these walls. And.. I did. And he left. Or, I made him leave. Whichever, he didn't fight for me and that hurt.

Not a day has passed that I didn't regret it. That I didn't think of him. Every single little thing reminds me of him... 

So as I sit at my computer in tears, I bid you farewell my love. I will always love you. I want you to know that. I know you'll grow up to do greats things.

Peace&Love

Hi

This is my vlog channel.

I've started to do an online video diary.. I'm still going to write here but if you want day to day updates, you should watch those.