Merry Fucking Christmas

My cousin Joey is in his early 30s. Every since I was a little girl, he was a real jerk to me. He called me fat, stupid, he’d yell at me, call me names, anything he could do to make me feel like I was nothing. When I was younger, I’d let it pass. I was a kid and he’s a lot older than me so I was scared. 

About 5 or 6 years ago, I started fighting back. He picked on my brother too, but it was nowhere near as bad as it was with me. My mom tried talking to him and telling him to back off, which he never did. Eventually she just told us to steer clear of the guy.

So we did.

Last night, I had a scary migraine. One of the ones where I was afraid to close my eyes, fearing I’d never wake up again. Joey has a really loud voice, so I politely asked him to lower it because I had a migraine. He said, “Fuck you, I’ll do what I want WHEN I want.” Instead of arguing with the guy, I SKIPPED DINNER and went upstairs to lie down in the dark. I missed christmas dinner because of that asshole. And that’s not even the worst part. 

Later I was feeling a tad better, but not 100%. I was playing a board game with everyone and Joey joined. I stayed. He was reading our the question (quietly) so I asked him to speak up a little and he started bitching me out. He flipped his shit and yelled and decided he hated me and was sick of me. What did I do? NOTHING. I did fucking NOTHING and he started flipping his shit. And people DEFENDED him. I walked away in tears, figuring everyone would drop it and I wouldn’t ruin everyones christmas. It didn’t stop there.

Everyone ganged up against me and defended Joey. 

I hate him. I hate how mean he is to everyone and I hate how everyone makes excuses for him and defends him. I cried for over an hour. Wracking sobs. 

I ruined everyones christmas.

And I feel awful about it.

Hi.

So. Best friends. Patrick and I were that. We even promised to grow old together (but not as a couple, just besties.) Yet, for some reason, you can't seem to tolerate my existence these days. It sucks. It really does. I used to count on Patrick. A lot. I kind of still do, but I don't let it show. I don't let him see how much his opinion really matters to me, but I know he can tell. He's not an idiot and you don't need to be a rocket scientist to figure it out.

So, I went out for dinner with my friends today (the gang of people I've been besties with since the 7th grade). We had a lot of fun, and when I got home I was on the cloud 9 of happiness, and incredibly hyper. Like my old, more innocent self. I liked it. Patrick ruined it. I cried. Yadda, yadda.

So, as usual, I turned to strangers on the internet to comfort myself and I confided in them -- since my best friend was no longer available. Travis told me his story with his best friend. It's a similar situation, and I feel a bit better. We talked a lot. It was nice. To get it out. To someone who understands the situation..

I'm going to wait it out, and hope he talks to me.

I'm so scared that he won't...

Peace&Love

Gawd.

People take everything I say to heart. It's like MAYBE, just maybe, I want to write and rage about how I feel WITHOUT ANY REPERCUSSIONS.

I blocked Connor off my tumblr account. We had a lot of drama and we just had to break up. He was way too attached and I was the exact opposite. I rebounded him after Steven, which was wrong, and I tried letting him down easily. But it didn't work. He was an ass in the end, and ignored everything I said. Apparently he didn't learn that NO means no.

He figured out how to check my tumblr. Which he's being doing. A lot apparently. I found out today, and it made me made. Because you know what? I want to be able to write things without him getting mad or hurt or just KNOWING THAT'S HOW I FEEL. So, I changed my URL. But the damage was done.

My privacy feels invaded. I texted him to tell him to give me a little privacy and what did he do? He deleted me off of everything except Facebook. (I'm talking tumblr, twitter, bbm, phone number, Skype)

I feel bad. But I don't. Urg.

Peace&Love

Broken Hearted

Steven has a new girlfriend. I know I said this is how I wanted it to be but... It hurts. Last week I saw him. He took me to my dance class. We kissed. A lot. It felt good. It felt ...right. Like that's how it's supposed to be. He said he loved me, that he always has and always will. I got scared.. I ran. Literally. I barely spoke to him after, scared of how much I actually cared about him.

I logged onto my Facebook this morning and the top story? "Steven went from being 'single' to 'in a relationship'". That's what I saw. My heart shattered. It fell out my chest, fell to the ground and shattered. I know it's not fair of me to be hurt or feel betrayed because we never ...had anything. Not after we broke up. But it hurt... I feel like I meant nothing to him.

She's beautiful. God, she's gorgeous. I was talking to Davide last night and he asked how I was coping with Steven having a new girlfriend... I don't know, it didn't really hit me. I said I wasn't sure if he did or not, I mean I obviously had my doubts. But, you know. I guess my mind was in denial...

All I want to do is cry.

I feel broken.

Peace&Love

New blog

This is my new blog. I started blogging originally because I have trouble expressing myself, so I figure "Yeah, I'll start a blog." I first started having trouble with my blog the summer of 2010, which my boyfriend at the time. He got mad that I wrote about him, like our fights. What else was I supposed to do? I obviously didn't stop. I don't stop doing the things I love because people tell me to.

I've unfortunately begun to encounter more troubles. I've had crazy boy drama since september, and the boys themselves had the links. I tried posting what I wanted but.. it just wasn't the same. I couldn't do it. I couldn't write what I wanted without getting a slue of texts asking me "what the hell am I talking about". I don't want to have to justify myself. What I write is what I chose. Nobody should tell me what I can and can't write about.

So here I am. With a brand new blog. If you're interested in the old one, here is the link.

Peace&Love