Paper Towns

Over the summer, Connor and I exchanged books. Me being the asshole that I am, started ignoring him shortly after, thus putting us both in extremely awkward situations: having each others books. I didn't read them because I'm stubborn and they reminded me of him a lot. In a fit of insanity on the weekend, I started reading one of them.

It's called Paper Towns by John Greene. I sort of see why he liked it so much. He related to the main character in a sense (and I don't want to sound cocky). I felt conflicted when I realized the resemblance our general selves hold to the characters Margo and Quentin.


Curiosity won out and I read it.

It's really good.

Misery

I have been struggling a lot lately. Mostly with my family... My stepmom in particular. It started in around June when she started acting unpleasant towards me and my stepsister. I've been getting anxiety attacks and I didn't know why.

It all started with my stepmom making being here unpleasant.

I've spent so many hours crying because of her. I can't live with a member of my family hating me, even if it's someone who isn't related by blood.

It's the hardest thing for a child to dislike their parents' partner. You don't want to break their heart, but at the same time you're miserable. You're torn between hurting them and living in misery.

And you pick misery because you can't bear the thought of hurting one of the people you love.

Dear Ashley,

I found our old grade 9 science project. You know the one with Sabrina and George? We did it on the “Australopithicous Anamensis”. We had a lot of fun doing that project, didn't we? I miss you so much. You have no idea. Words seem to fail me every time I try writing this. And I saw that stupid project and they all came to me.

You'll never see this, I know that. You don't care anymore. I also know that. That doesn't stop me from thinking about you. Or starting to text you and deleting it seconds later. Or crying my eyes out because I wish I still had you in my life. Maybe if you were still here, things would be easier. I wouldn't have to face them alone.

It used to be me, you and Jesska against the world. No matter what, we overcame it. We were ALWAYS there for each other... So what happened? I refuse to accept that we grew apart because it is not true. We grew together through high school and put up with all the bullshit TOGETHER. But how could you just stop caring? How could a person so deeply rooted into my life just...disappear?

I wish I had the guts to show this to you. I wish you could feel the pain I feel. See my tears. Hear my sobs. Maybe then you'd understand.

I regret a lot. I wonder almost every day...had I tried harder to make things work, would we still be friends? Every bone in my body wishes the answer was yes. I feel like our friendship is no longer salvageable. I have lost all the fight in me... I just can't anymore. Maybe if you were to try...then that would be something. But no part of me has the will or the strength anymore to be rejected by you. I did that for 3 months. I guess I'm done.

Your former best friend,

Mander.

Rape.

The uncontrollable sobs wracked my body as I remembered the details of that night; the night I'll never forget and it is in this moment that I realized I am not okay. My fingers shake and tears leak from my eyes as I write this. I've been trying so hard to be okay. For my friends, for my family. I was doing such a good job that I convinced myself that I was.

But I'm not. I don't know if I will be. These past few days I've been laughing and joking and having regular conversations with my friends. I started doing that when nobody knew how to talk to me. Nobody understood what happened to me...so they couldn't help me. They couldn't talk to me. They didn't know what to say. So I stopped talking about it. I pretended everything was okay, when it's not.

I did something incredibly stupid, and I will regret it for the rest of my life. I blame myself for what happened... I will not pity myself, because I am to blame for what happened. I'm not writing this to BE pitied either, I'm writing it because I need to. I haven't felt the need to write in a very long time, and as I stepped out of the shower and basically fell apart, I needed to write.

I needed to "cleanse" myself, so to speak. I don't know how I'm going to be for now... I don't know how I'm going to survive. I don't know how I'm going to look at myself in the mirror everyday and not feel disgust. Anger. Hatred.

I don't know how I will go on.

Friendship and other things...

So I've had this small gang of incredibly close friends since the first day of grade 7, one of these friends being Ashley. Ashley and I have been especially close, considering we still go to the same school whereas everyone else is elsewhere. About a month ago, Ashley's boyfriend left for army training. Ashley and her boyfriend were quite inseparable. Obviously, I tried talking to her but she wouldn't have any of it.

Now it's 3 weeks in a row that she blows me off for lunch. I can't help but wonder what I did wrong... I was nothing but supportive and I made it very clear that she had a friend in me so she could talk to me if she needed it. I feel so... betrayed. How could she throw away 5 years of friendship like that? Doesn't she care...

Connor. Oh Connor. He's still in love with me and I had no idea how to deal with it. I probably could have dealt with the situation with a bit more finesse, but I digress.

Last friday was the talent show at our old high school. Having done the show every year in high school, I made several friends younger than me. I went to support them and Connor went because he's a follower and goes everywhere I go that he thinks he can get away with.

Originally I had planned on chatting with him a bit and then going on my merry way. Well, that's not how it went. I saw him and chickened out. It was bad. He saw me duck behind a particularly tall person and started harassing me with BBMs. Now here's the thing; we had had a fight and I really didn't feel like seeing his lying asshole face.

He stared at me until the show started, so much my good friend Mel's boyfriend Kevin whom I'd just met was ready to go kick his ass; he was being that creepy. After intermission, Mel&I made the mistake of going in through the wrong door - the one Connor was sitting near. He tried saying hi but I ran. My phone died, but I knew he was texting me.

After the show, he planted his ass next to the exit. Being very good with the mapping of the school, I tried another exit. He followed me and ran after me after I said I couldn't talk to him.

I got home and plugged in my phone to about 30 or so messages from him. He called me a hurtful bitch. I decided to terminate the friendship. It's for the best.

I made sure my new (and very good) friend Dillon checked his blog though, to make sure he wasn't suicidal. Cause here's the thing... After I said goodbye forever, Connor kept texting me. He even said he'd kill himself. Then he said "wow, that's low. I said I'd kill myself and you didn't give a shit."

That's when I first realized he has been manipulating me. I have a real soft spot for people that need help.. And he knows it.

Peace&Love

I can't seem to bring myself to smile anymore. I know this is stupid, but I make "friends" through tumblr and then they end up ignoring me and unfollowing me. I told you everything, what did I do wrong? I know I'm fucked up, but you said you cared. You said you loved me. You said you'd be there for me. Was it all just lies?
For some reason I feel like I'll never be enough. Nothing I can ever do will please the ones I care about. I'm a failure.

Peace&Love

P.S. Crazy Lady, I read your blog. I check it everyday, and thank you. That meant a lot.

Broken

I started talking to Connor again. That was such a mistake. He's clearly not over me... I tried being a friend. I tried... so hard to ignore the warning signs my heart was giving me. I was doing it for him. I was trying to be better.
I hate myself.
I hurt him and I shouldn't have. I should never have gotten involved with him in the first place.
I cut myself 13 days ago. I've never done something like that before, but I've never felt so broken in my life. I've never felt so unloved. It's an awful feeling.. I hate it so much. I don't want to do it again, but sometimes I look at it there on my dresser and I want to. I've come close too many times. I can't do it again. I can't. I can't let myself be broken. I have to be strong.
How can I be strong when no one loves me? When no one will be there to catch me when I fall?
Patrick wanted to hang out yesterday at school, but I didn't want to go in cause I hurt my knee and it hurt to walk. I went anyways cause it was Patrick... and he stood me up. I don't think I've cried that much ...ever. I almost cut yesterday. But I didn't. I came so close...
I feel like I need to save myself from..me. But I don't know how...

Peace&Love